The Life of A Super Family
by Yunity
Summary: It's not all about beating up bad guys, you know! It has haircuts, annoying songs, siblings, bedtime stories, stomach flues, impending homework, karaoke night, who get's the last oreo, getting up on time and itchy school uniforms! Enter the true lives of the Waynes/Batfamily, from Watchtower trolling to Bedtime Blues and all that's in between! Mostly crackish one-shots.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything that is not mine. Which is most of it, because I doubt I'll use any OCs.

* * *

"Jason can't sing."

"Can to."

"Can't."

"Can to."

"Prove it."

"No."

"Then you can't."

"Can to."

"Can't."

"Can to."

"Prove it."

"No."

"Then you can't."

"Can."

"Can't."

"Totally can."

"Prove it."

"Fine." Jason glared at his brother and cleared his throat. "Life's a long and twisting road, weighing down, it's a heavy load…" he jumped into the middle of the song and sang that line, and only that.

"Maybe he can sing." Steph looked surprised, perking at the noise from looking at her Snapchat. She took a picture of Jason.

"Wait- did you just Snapchat that?" Tim blinked up from his book.

"Sure did."

"STEPHANIE!" Jason screeched.

"I can sing…" Dick ventured.

"WE DON'T CARE!" Jason seethed.

"Well, I can try. Um… 'Never run and never hide, never back down show your pride. We are warriors we strong, we sing well our battle song!*2'"

"Grayson, your voice is acceptable." Damien tsked, sharpening a knife in "his" corner.

"Thanks, Dami!" Dick beamed. "So… Jason…"

"I AM NOT GOING TO KAREOKE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

"Gee, the team's so bad at singing though…"

* * *

"I want to be… an elephant."

"Why do you want to be an _elephant_?" Jason stared at Stephanie. She considered.

"You're right, I want to be Black Canary."

"NO! You have to be an animal, Brown!" Damien growled.

"Black Canary is a Canary that's…"

"Disalbino." Dick offered, thinking.

"That makes no sense." Tim raised an eyebrow.

"Well, I already explained aster to you, so 'dis' makes opposite, so it'd be disalbino. Or iralbino. Or…"

"We get the point!" Tim sighed, exasperated. Why did Dick have to mutilate the English language so?!

"Anyway, D is right, Black Canary is the opposite of an albino canary." Stephanie clicked.

"And let me guess, Dick's going to be a Robin, Tim's going to want to be a robin to, so he'll say, 'There are three types of robins… blah, blah, blah… so I'm the European and he's the American. And then Damien will want to be a cat, and I will want to be a vampire bat, and then Cass will just shrug but we'll all know that she either wants to be a bat or a unicorn, and there. But then I'll say, technically, isn't Dick's robin the European one? Because, like, Tim's 100% American, but you're half Romany, and then you guys'll be like, 'Oh yeah, right, that makes sense.'"

Everyone exchanged looks and shrugged, nodding in resignation at Jason's spot on inference. "Ok, so let's play."

"I want my name to be Dinah!" Stephanie yipped.

"Oh, yeah, you're definitely _not_ a fangirl." Steph spit her tongue at Jason, who'd made the snide comment.

"Uh… Bird Wonder!" Dick grinned.

"I want to be Red." Tim reflected on this, probably thinking about how clever he was.

Cass shrugged, Dick deeming her, "Stardust!" (for it was decided she be a unicorn).

Damien glared but said: "I shall be called Hufflepuff. After my cat." He hadn't read Harry Potter, so didn't understand his siblings' joy when he named his white kitten that two months before.

Jason thought a moment before grinning devilishly. "I am Batbat!"

"Batbat?" Dick raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, like Batman, but I'm a bat. Batbat."

"Actually, more correct would be Batbob." Tim said, not intending to sound smart-aleck but doing just that.

"Batbob." Jason said incredulously.

"Yes, male vampire bats are called bobs, whereas females are called bobbettes. The babies are called pups, and unisex is simply vampire bats."

"Neeerd." Jason groaned. "I don't want to be Batbob, that sounds like Sponge Bob took time to go bat!"

"Well, that's the correct-"

"I don't give a crap!"

"ANYWAAAAYYY…" Dick snapped them back to the present. "I am a European Robin, which is fluffier than an American, named Bird Wonder. Tim's an American robin named Red. Cass is a unicorn named Stardust, Steph's a black canary named Dinah, Damien is a white cat named Hufflepuff, and Jason is a vampire bat named Batbob. We can call him Bob."

"What a minute, if we're getting all technical here, if Cass or I were going to be a dog, and a Bat one, wouldn't that make us a Bat…?" Jason burst out laughing as Dick interrupted her before she could finish the sentence.

"So if you guys just call me Bob, and their Bat-" Dick coughed, interrupting Jason, who of which rolled his eyes, "So… would we just call them-"

"OKAY! Jason, that is enough, we all know you do not refer to the same word as Steph does, or the meaning of it, so… technically yes, Steph. It would be Bat... that." Dick sighed at his brother, but who could blame him? He practically grew up on the streets of _Gotham_ until a while ago, the f-word was like saying crap to a normal person on those streets.

"Oh- ok." She nodded. "But I still want to be Dinah."

So the Batkids spent the rest of the day playing animals.

* * *

 **Author Notes:** Ok, so this is my place to dump all my Batfam one-shots. They can range anywhere from six lines to 2,000 words. I have no update schedule, just when I have something new. Most of these focus on what it's like to live as a Batfamily member, the truth of it. Good and Bad, funny and sad. Although most are funny. Anyway, so hoped you enjoyed!

 **Review, Please!**

 _ **~Universe**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything that is not mine. Which is most of it, because I doubt I'll use any OCs.

* * *

 _Dear Bruce,_

 _I hat u so much. Thrs n wrds 2 dscrb m hatr 4 u. I ht u. kil me now o i kil u._

"Jason, that's horrible!" Stephanie wacked him over the head.

"OW! We were challenged to write a note like texts between tween girls and so I did!"

"But you made it to Bruce?!"

"No, that butcher guy who's always giving me the evil eye on Fourth Elm's. He works at Butcher Bruce's."

* * *

"Cheese and crackers, can't get me enough of them cheese and crackers, there's so many variations, crackers and cheese, cheese and crackers, swirling topped E-sy Cheese and hunked out cheddar on ritz or Saltine… Cheese and crackers, can't get me enough of them crackers and cheese…"

"SHUT UP DICK!"

Dick blinked, looking up from his cheese and crackers, pausing his little song. "You don't like cheese and crackers?"

"NO!"

"What _do_ you like, Jason?"

"NOTHING!"

"I think he likes bananas and peanut butter." Steph offered.

"Peanuts make butter… butter can be peanut, smoothy crunchy, seedy, salty, peanut butter can be quite paltry… but not with da banaynay… noooo… not with the nana of da ba… banana and buttah… _peanut_ buttah..."

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

"Do you think my hair would look good if I dyed it?" Stephanie mused, sitting in the salon next to Selina and Cass. Bruce would have taken them… but he felt uncomfortable in a salon called "Amori Love."

Selina pursed her lips. "I don't usually die my hair, but distressing your ends aqua might be cute."

"But I like purple."

"Then do orchid."

Stephanie leaned back. "Should I keep my hair long?"

"I like long hair." Selina answered.

"Should I get bangs?"

"Nah, I like the current style."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"…Should I get a perm?"

"NO!" Cass pushed her sister against the wall, shaking her vigorously.

"OK, OK! I get it!" Cass let her go, but Steph wasn't done. "I think I'm going to get a feather."

Selina quirked her eyebrow. "Wouldn't that be uncomfortable under, you know, the _hood_?"

Stephanie sighed. "I never get any variation!"

"Dye it neon. Yellow."

"SELINA!"

"What? You want _variation_."

"Not stupid variation!"

"Are you calling my ideas stupid?"

"Yes."

"… Fair enough."

Just then a girl walked up. "You're Stephanie, right?"

"Yes."

"It's your turn."

"Can you dye my hair neon yellow?"

"Excuse me?!"

* * *

 **Author Notes:** None. Except don't worry, Steph was just _wondering._ She won't actually dye her hair... probably.

 **Review, Please!**

 _ **~Universe**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything that is not mine. Which is most of it, because I doubt I'll use any OCs.

* * *

"Rock, paper, scissors… go!"

Jason had rock, Tim had scissors.

"Rock beats scissors." Jason smirked.

"Not true!"

"Yes it is! A rock can crush scissors, so there!"

"Yeah, well scissors can demolish rocks!" Tim denied.

"What? No they can't!"

"Yes, they can. I did it once. I was locked in a room, and all I had were a pair of kiddy scissors and some rocks, so what did I do?"

"You smashed the scissors!"

"NO! I CUT UP THE ROCKS!"

"… Dude, that must have been one _strong_ pair of scissors."

"They were made from adamantium*."

"Dude."

"I get the last oreo."

"Just... dude."

* * *

"Dick?"

"Yah?"

"If I wanted an elephant where would I buy one?"

"Why would you want an elephant, Steph?"

"I dunno. Just wondering."

"We already have a lot of cats, a cow, two dogs, and horses. We don't need an elephant."

"I don't want an elephant." She denied.

"Then what _do_ you want?"

"A Pegasus."

"A Pegasus." He echoed incredulously.

"Yeah, no wait- I want an Alicorn."

"They don't exist."

"Wonder Woman exists." She rejected.

"…I'll prepare my puppy-dog eyes." After all, if the Greek Gods could exist, then so could Pegasus and Unicorns, so shouldn't Alicorns to?

* * *

"I think we should eat dinner."

"But I want lunch."

"It's dinner time."

But I didn't eat lunch… or breakfast."

"Tim, are you anorexic?" Jason accused.

"No, just remiss."

"Hmm… I think we all are." Dick mused.

"Except Alfred. He's the only one who regularly gets enough sleep, water, and food." Stephanie pointed out.

"Huh. I'm eleven and I already am suffering from insomnia and remiss." Jason clicked his tongue.

"TT. I am of age of five yet I remember my necessities." Damien growled. He was in his niche, which is, to say, a small alcove meant for a safe. However, the safe was long gone and the five year old quickly made it his Brooding Corner.

"Dami, you haven't moved in six hours, I'd hardly call you miss." Dick peeked down from _his_ corner, which happened to be on top of a fifteen foot bookcase in the corner. He had blankets, pillows, pencils, books, and even a lamp up there.

See, all the batkids hung out in the library, and they all had their personal niches, corners, chairs, and perches that they'd tweaked to their liking. Dick's was in the main hexagon of the library, in the highest right side near to the window. Damien's was, as said, where a safe used to lie in the corner of the left side. Stephanie had a beanbag by the right couch, Tim enjoyed to window bench, Cass used the sixth shelf near to the bottom right of the hexagon in which she had removed all the books and replaced with blankets, and Jason sat wherever he felt like, which was usually the left couch or the ladder, strangely.

Bruce had a desk in there that he would sit at, but generally he stuck to his study.

Damien shook his head in denial. "I have need of nothing in the past six hours."

"Riiiiighht…" Dick drawled incredulously. "Hey guys dare me to jump?"

"Because you don't jump off skyscrapers every night." Jason pointed out sarcastically, rolling his eyes before continuing to draw pictures of killing his teachers at school. *Cough Cough* Not killing… just torture. After all, Ms. Carthstole gave him _fifteen_ pages of math to do over the weekend.

Dick pouted adorable before simply flinging himself off his perch and directly onto Jason, who screeched in protest.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! THE PAIN!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Dick cackled, running away.

"DON'T YOU DARE, DICK!" Jason jumped up and followed.

"Uh…" Steph blinked. "What were we going to do again?"

Cass and Tim shrugged. "I don't remember." The older of the two said. "I need to use the bathroom."

"Then go use the bathroom." Stephanie pointed out.

"Nah… I can hold it."

"How long have you been doing that?"

"Uh… its five-forty? Hmm… nine hours."

"Seems reasonable."

* * *

 **Author Notes:** Hmm... the bats tend to forget to care for themselves in favor of working more... they are remiss. Then again, so am I.

 **Please Review!**

 _ **~Universe**_

 ***** adamantium: what Wolverine's claws are made from


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything that is not mine. Which is most of it, because I doubt I'll use any OCs.

* * *

"Why do dogs chase cats? Why can't cats chase dogs?" Tim mused, sipping his lemonade.

"TITUS!" Damien screamed, rushing past his siblings and chasing his big greyhound. "STOP!"

"I dunno." Stephanie mused back, sipping on her Lime-Ricki.

Damien flew across the garden in the opposite direction he'd been going, still chasing Titus who, in his turn, was chasing Jenki, a ginger tabby with black eyes. Hufflepuff was safely curled on Stephanie's lap, and was wearing purple-tinted sunglasses curtesy of Stephanie, who she herself wore a lilac sundress with a forget-me-not pattern, a white straw sunhat with a lilac bow and flowers, and bare feet. She was stroking Damien's cat while reading "Forest Born" by Shannon Hale.

"I mean, cats could honestly annihilate dogs. So why do dogs chase them?"

"Hm…"

"TITUS!" Damien rushed straight-slam into a tree. He growled in rage and took the sword off his back, slicing it to a million pieces before dropping it and continuing to chase Titus.

"Maybe because cats run away?" Stephanie frowned.

"But why?"

"Survival instinct?" Stephanie turned the page in her book.

"Could be… I think they like the chase. Selina does, that's why Batman doesn't catch her, because she wants him to chase her." Tim replied, nibbling on a cucumber and tuna salad sandwich as he ran his eyes along the lines of his own book.

Damien screamed in rage as he flew past in the opposite direction. He was focused on Titus, but now Ace was chasing him. He didn't know it though, and thus had no fear- not that Ace would hurt him anyway. "JENKI! GET TO THE TREES!"

"MREEEEOOOOOW!"

"That would make sense." Stephanie nodded, stringing her fingers through the white Persian's fur. "I've never seen a cat get caught. What would happen?"

"I guess the dog would maul it…? Huh, we'll have to see if Titus catches Jenki."

Damien once again rushed in the opposite direction, now chased by both Ace _and_ Titus while Jenki was death-gripping his head, making the mini-assassin unable to see and waver as he ran.

"Nah, Titus didn't catch Jenki. What if we fed him Hufflepuff?" Tim licked lemonade off his lip.

"NO! I like Hufflepuff, feed him Artie."

"But Artie's so…" Tim trailed, searching for an explanation.

"He's a tomcat. I don't even wanna know how many times he's _done it_ with other kitties."

"Yeah, I know. He keeps spraying the grass and trying to kill Alfred."

"Alfred the cat or the butler?" Stephanie crossed her legs on her lawn chair.

"No one, not even Artie, dares cross Alfred the butler."

Damien ran past again, screaming as Titus tried to jump on his back and Jenki dug his claws into Damien's forehead and neck.

"I agree. As the saying goes: Alfred's Word is Law."

"Yeh. Which makes it weird that he gave in and let us get any pets in the first place." Tim yawned.

"Who _was_ the first pet?"

"Hm… I think it was Ace. Alfred and Bruce got him as an ESA for Dick when he first came here. Dick was having a bunch a daydreams and panic-attacks. I think at one point they trained him to be a service animal. But Dick doesn't usually have meltdowns of super-strong super-often flashbacks anymore." Tim explained.

"Why did he have them in the first place?" Stephanie chewed her lip as she once again turned the page. In the background, Damien (with Jenki still firmly attached to his face) was now chasing Titus and Ace once again as they chased Fluffy, a ragdoll cat with amber eyes.

"Because of his parent's death. In fact, the last time he had one of his meltdown thingies was when Barry fell from that roof and broke his back. He just kept screaming, crying and shaking, so the League had to sedate him. It's like post-traumatic stress disorder or something. I can't remember the official diagnosis, but he's cured. Except for occasionally."

"Sometimes I scream and cry, what's the difference? And Alfred has to sedate Dad all the time…"

Tim clicked his tongue, sitting up. "Alfred?" He called.

A moment later, the butler, completely composed, strut out. "Yes, Master Timothy?"

"Could you get me some more lemonade, please?"

"Of course, Young Sir, but it may take a moment as I need to stop Masters Jason and Dick from injuring one another."

"Oh no." Stephanie sighed. "What now?"

"Nothing much, young miss-"

"NO, TITUS! DO NOT EAT FLUFFY!" Damien came screaming past.

"Should we stop them?" Alfred quirked an eyebrow.

"Nah, the kid needs exercise." Stephanie yawned. "So why are they killing each other now?" She asked, referring to her eldest two brothers.

"Ah, yes, nothing much. Master Jason simply challenged Master Dick to a duel."

"What are they using?" Tim clicked, intrigued.

"Todays the objective is to kill each other with tennis balls, flour, and aerosol."

"Hmm… I bet my cookie after dinner Jason will win this one."

"I'll bet mine that Dick wins." Stephanie turned another page.

"Why?"

"Because, Dick's insane and hyperactive. Plus, Alfie, didn't he have lemonade earlier?"

"My." Alfred blinked. "You're right, young miss, he did."

"How long will the sugar rush last?" Stephanie wondered aloud as Damien ran past with Fluffy affixed to his shirt and the dogs hot at his heels.

"He had the lemonade… an hour ago?" Alfred nodded at Tim, who continued: "And he had one glass, which, in this case, is around twelve ounces, so… I suspect he'll be crashing in about five minutes."

Alfred nodded. "I'll keep that in mind, and try to keep him alive until he crashes." With that, the butler took their glasses and left to refill them right as a BOOM! shook the air. Alfred sighed. "Now I wonder how they did that with flour and aerosol?"

Tim leaned conspiratorially in at Steph. "Isn't aerosol flammable?"

Stephanie shrugged in response. "So you were saying about the difference…?"

"Oh, yes so-"

"NOOOOOOO! TITUS! PUT ARTIE DOOOWN! NOW!"

* * *

 **Author Notes:** I happily except suggestions/requests! And please check out my poll!

 **Review, Please!**

 _ **~Universe**_


	5. Chapter 5

**MON (me own NOTHING)**

* * *

"Now... Can I get a volunteer from the audience, please?" Cried the hypnotist with a winning smile.

"Even if I did volunteer, he wouldn't get a peep outta me." Barbara said sternly. She rolled her eyes at the giggles given by the kids she was babysitting. Who, exactly were the kids?

Well, there were six of them. The fourteen year old didn't really need babysitting by technical terms, but anybody with half a brain knows NEVER to leave Dick Grayson-Wayne without supervision... Especially if a red-head (other than herself, of course) was near. And that includes Jason, even if his hair was so dark it was practically black.

Thus, Barbara often babysat the kids (I mean, a hundred dollars an hour isn't bad- what? They're billionaire bat-brats, what do you expect her to be paid?) Now, whenever they were out they all had fake ids because honestly, Prince of Gotham's kids and Commissioner's baby girl are just a little too much to resist to some people.

Barbara donned glasses and a curly brown wig, taking the name Barbie (it was Jason's idea, she had had no say... Unfortunately...). All the batkids wore brown contacts and red wigs, so they honestly looked like Hermione was taking care of the Weasleys... With the same attitudes.

Dick was known as Tommy, Jason as Pete, Tim as Jacks, Stephanie as Lilah, Damien as Richard (Dick had practically died in happiness when his brother chose the name), and Cass as Angie.

And somehow, they'd convinced her to take them to a hypnotist's show. And in Gotham, only truly crazy people went to hypnotist shows. After all, what better way to commit a crime? The possibilities were vast!

"You, Young Lady, would you like to try to resist the pull of my power?"

'YES!"

The six ever-so-helpful voices that chanted the word most definitely didn't include hers. But before she could refute, she found herself pushed to the stage. "Uh, hello." She said curtly.

"Hello!" The man beamed. "Now, I want you to listen very carefully..."

* * *

Dick, or should we say, _Tommy_ , cackled as he watched his friend fall for what she insisted impossible. Then hypnotist asked the first question.

"And what, may I ask miss, is your name?"

"Barbara..."

"Drat!" Pete aka Jason growled. "We forgot about how many secrets we have!"

The hypnotist continued. "What brings you to my show tonight?"

"The kids I babysit wanted to see..."

The hypnotist smiled, turning to the crowd. "Would they be nice enough to wave?"

Dick shrugged and did as asked, secretly resisting doing something to bring even more attention... Like screaming in his perfect (he'd been practicing) Russian accent: "For Russia!" And running away like a maniac. Then again, these were _Gothamites,_ that would be pretty whelming to them.

The man turned back to Barbara, who swayed slightly. "Now, Miss Barbara, until I say: Tupeg, you will be a cat."

Barbara immediately fell to her hands and knees and hissed, arching her back. She was about to bolt off when the hypnotist issued the chosen word. "Tupeg! When I say Tupeg again, you will wake up from this trance with a memory of not being hypnotized, but first, what is the secret you hold closest to you?'

Dick's heart stopped. " Drat. Just drat."

* * *

"Told you guys no one can hypnotize me." Barbara sniffed as she finished unlocking the gate to the Wayne property. "You guys should never underestimate me."

"Yeah..." Dick had been blushing the whole way back from the show, ever since the hypnotist had tried (and failed) to entrance her.

"Never." Jason smirked. He'd just been cheeky, occasionally breaking down in hysteric laughter.

"Stay away from us, Gordon." From any other person, that would be creepy. For Damien it was pretty normal. Except this time he was venomously glaring at her while clutching Dick's leg.

"Hon," Steph smirked, "You are adorable."

Tim shook his head, face pale. Cass just giggled.

* * *

 **Author Notes:** What's Barbara's closest held secret?! 0.0 Anywho, sorry this took so long! I back! Yay!

 **Please Review!**

 _ **~Universe**_


	6. Chapter 6

**MON (me own nothing)**

* * *

Jason doesn't like school for a reason.

School sucks.

Majorly sucks.

And why he was coined a "bully" he didn't know. He did know he hated Tim and Damian, but either way, they were his brothers and NOBODY but HIM had the right to bully them.

So when he saw Max White towering over Tim, he got angry.

"Now, there, little dude, aren't you going to help me out?"

"Uh... uh... Max, I don't think-"

"You BRAT! What do the teachers always say? Sharing is Caring! So WHY don't you share that pretty little brain of- oof! What the-"

Jason sneered, his face looming in on the boy, who was quite a bit shorter. Jason himself never felt tall, but he did know he and Dick were often confused for twins, and that he was the tallest kid in his grade. And the next. And he liked it. It did irk him a bit with the fact that Tim had skipped a few grades and was now one below his, but either way, he WAS not having it if ANYONE get CLOSE to his little brother.

"Well," he hissed like a snake, "I'm not known for my pretty little brain, but I AM known for my possessiveness. And this is my little brother you're talking too."

"You two are..." Max looked between them, seeing not only the family resemblances but the ever prominent "Wayne" written on their bags. Given, they were adopted, but the resemblance was ever real. "Oh." He gulped.

"Yeah, 'oh,' now... you're entering a whole new world of pain and-"

"JASON!"

Jason froze, his fist poised, at the sound of not only his brother's, but his best friend's voice. Yes, despite common opinion, Dicky was indeed his best friend.

His arm was grabbed and drawn back as Dick, who was also shorter than him and quite dorky with his hair gelled like that, pulled him back, turning him around. He waved his finger in Jason's face. "Now... what did I tell you about bullying?"

"It wasn't me, Dick! White was bullying Dra-"

"Tim."

"-Tim and I stopped him, but he can't just go around bullying my-"

"So you thought you'd beat him up? Who's the bully then, Jay?"

Jason pouted at his older brother (who had yet to reach the height in which he could be deemed "big brother"). "Well, oh perfect one, how would you handle it?"

Dick smiled, gently pushing him out of the way to strut up to Max. "Hey there."

Max glared at him. "What do you want, pipsqueak?"

Jason growled, lunging only to be stopped. Apparently Demon Child had found them. The shrewd green eyes glared up at him. "Leave Grayson. He will sort this out better then you could ever do with your thoughtless brain.

Dick through him a glance before continuing. "I know I may be small for my age, but I'm still taller and a lot more mature then you. So, I insist you stop bullying Timmy."

"And how're you going to stop me?" He spat.

Dick leaned in, his shocking blues narrowed dangerously. "If you ever step near my brother again, you will feel my wrath till the end of your lifeless, cold, gray, days, and never will you feel happiness again, so long as you live, I pledge upon the heart that beats within my chest." He whispered, his voice edging on his serious Robin voice.

Shivering, Max nodded, slipping off as fast as he could. Dick straightened and stretched, wrapping an arm around Tim's shoulders. "If he ever gives you trouble again..."

Tim chuckled nervously. "I know who to call."

"Grayson." Damian snapped, standing by his brother's side. Dick wrapped his other arm around him, and looked to Jason.

"That's how it's done."

"So why does Barbara still have to save your butt?"

"Because, I'm not going to freak out people my age. Plus, that threat was made up by Babs and Artemis to scare of Winnie Parks, who wouldn't leave me alone. It worked, so I thought I'd try it out.

"It's rather poetic." Stephanie giggled, joining them on their way to the limo.

"How do you know?! You weren't even there!" Jason protested.

"I helped them come up with it. Where's Cass?"

"Here." The girl materialized out of the shadows.

"GAH! Stop freaking me out!"

Cass giggled as they exited the schoolyard, strolling up to the limo and jumping in.

* * *

 **Author Notes:** Don't you love protective siblings? (happy chipmunk face)

 **Review?**

 _ **~Universe**_


	7. Chapter 7

"Let me get this straight. If I feel down, I can have cheesepuffs?"

"Yes…."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes…"

"You drugged them didn't you?"

"You haven't slept in two weeks, Master Dick."

"So you drugged them?"

"Do you feel down for some reason?"

"Yes…"

"Then have a cheesepuff."

"But they're-"

"CHEESEPUFFS!"

"JASON NO-!"

And then he passed out. Dick glared at the butler, who shrugged. "Cheesepuff?"

"…Fine."

 **~~~CHEESEPUFFS!~~~**

"Cass. I want your lollipop."

"Ok." She took it out her mouth, wiped a little off with her finger and handed to Steph, who put it in her mouth.

Ruthy, the visiting friend, stared at her in disgust. "What?" Steph raised an eyebrow.

"You- ew! Germs!"

"We're siblings." Steph shrugged simply.

"But you're not _really_ , I mean you're _adopted_!"

Steph narrowed her eyes. "We're siblings more than blood could ever make us be." Her voice was dangerous. Ruthy turned pale, standing and walking out of the girls' living room suite.

Cass looked at Steph sadly, took the lollipop out of her mouth, and stuck it in her own. "At least we don't share it with Ace." Her voice was quiet, characteristic of Cass, and Steph burst out laughing remembering the fad that had been going around Gotham Prep, of purse dogs and sharing food with them.

"You're right, little sis, you're right."

 **~~~What is up with people? Adopted siblings ARE real siblings! (I should know) *Glares at people*~~~**

"And… if it's twisted then there's only one side, you know? 'Cause the curvature will always bring it back to the beginning, looping around again, meaning there's only one edge!" Tim finished his hour-long lecture, throwing his hands out wide in excitement.

Jason looked up from his homework to glare at his brother. "Can you repeat that?"

 **~~~Me and people I know above. I'm Tim. Everyone is Jason. I need to meet more nerds...~~~**

"I'm the mom, and you're the dad." Said Emelia, poking Cass in the collarbone to punctuate the point. "Got it?"

Cass didn't want to be the dad. She wanted to be… the cat or something. She just didn't want to the _dad_. She was a girl, only boys were _dads_. She slowly shook her head. Emelia glared.

"But I said so! So you have to be the dad! And I'm the mom! Janice is the oldest daughter, Charlie is the middle daughter, Kate is the baby. And Jillian is the cat. So you're the dad."

"Wha-bout May… and Faun… and…. H-Ha-hannah?" Her stutter wasn't of fear, but her impediment. Sometimes it took several tries to get a word right.

"What about them?"

"They play."

"You're right, somewhere over _there_. Their hair is ugly."

Cass gave her a look, but the girl didn't understand, they never do, so she tried to place her words carefully. "So?"

"So? Only girls with _my_ style of hair can play!"

"Wuss… wuss yur harstal?"

"Low ponytails. High ponies are so out of season, those were for girls when the world was still cartoons. This is the new world, with Frozen and Brave and stuff. We need modern hair." She puffed her own perfect brown curls.

"Dick does my hair."

"Who?" Emelia raised a pompous eyebrow.

"My broder. He does mine and Steph's."

"Psh. Who cares. My nanny does my hair, and she used to be a _stylist_. Now, are we going to play or not, Dad?"

"I. Don. Wan. Tuhbee. _Dad_."

"Then go fall in a whole, rat-tails. With your _bwother_."

That was it. The final straw. No one insults her family. _Especially_ Dick. Within seconds, Emelia Everts was pinned upside down against the bottom of the playground, Cass inches from her face. She didn't say anything, Cass had no need to, the fear in Emelia's shape was uncanny. Cass could read her like a normal person would a book. She let the brat fall, blinking her own exotic honey-colored eyes once before turning and leaving.

She walked over to Hannah, May, and Faun. "W-w-wanna pay heroes?"

The girls exchanged glances. "Huh?"

"Y-you can beh Batgirl, I be Black Bat, you can beh…" Cass trailed off, her throat hurting from all the talking. The girls considered a moment.

"Ok." Said May. "But who will be the bad guy?"

Cass sighed. She wasn't going to make any of them be bad guys. She pointed to herself and smiled when a thought came to her. "Catwoman." She said. Perfect. Both a good and a bad guy.

 **~~~Cass is so nice. More people need to be like her.~~~**

Jason finished off the milk jug, neatly dispensing it over his cereal and replacing the cap. He threw it in the air and watched it spin, thrusting out his hand to grab it and throw it in the recycling. Unfortunately, he misjudged the distance and the empty jug bounced off the tip of his finger, falling with a _thuddy-thuck-twang_ to the floor. He reached down to grab it, rolling his eyes in the process.

"Jason. You need to work on that. Training for catching will be on Saturday. Four hours.'

Jason groaned, stopping in his bent position to glare at his father, who of which sat innocently at the counter, sipping coffee and reading about the latest exploits to Anali Du-Coincé, a stuck-up movie star staying in Gotham for the week.

"And this is why we don't do anything cool around you." he accused.

Bruce just shrugged

 **~~~Bruce... be nice!~~~**

 **Author Notes:** well... I think that's a wrap. I know you guys probably hated my line break notes! XD Actual line breaks have stopped working on my account, soooo... yeah. ;D

 **Please review?**

 _ **~Universe**_


	8. Chapter 8

**ION (I Own Nothing)**

Dick flopped down on the couch, running his hands across his face before sighing. He stared at the ceiling, lost in thought, as time ticked by. Then _finally_ she came.

"Richard?"

He perked up, snapping out of his reverie to smile at the woman. "Talia!"

Talia sniffed. "Where are your siblings?"

Dick jumped up, running to the stairs and yelling at the top of his lungs. His brothers and sisters came racing. "WHAT!?"

"Talia's taking us camel riding!"

 ** _This is canon in my Universe. XD_**

 _This next one takes place when: Dick-18 Jason-16 Stephanie-15 Tim-14 Cass-11 Dami-10 Helena (Wayne)-1_

Selina scowled at Dick. The barely eighteen-year-old had gone past curfew. Yes. He was eighteen. But he still lived in the manor, she was still his mother, and he had only just turned eighteen. He was _not_ allowed out past curfew. At least he'd been in Happy Harbor and not Gotham, but that was besides the point!

Dick scuffled feet, mumbling something.

Selina glared harder. "Speak clearly." She snapped.

"I said I'm _sorry._ But we run around Gotham until like five in the morning in tights! And I'm an adult now! Why do I have to have a curfew?"

Selina glared, bouncing the baby on her hip as Lenna was starting to fuss.

Dick looked warily at his baby sister. "Drat. I'm going to be babysitting as punishment, aren't I?"

Selina nodded crisply. "Of course you are. Especially because she's gonna be a little monster tomorrow. Bruce and I could sure use the week off."

"But Mo-"

"You're a legal adult now, I can leave you for a week."

Dick paled as Selina patted the boy on the head. "Very good. Sweet dreams, baby." She then walked away to put Helena back to sleep.

Dick cursed. Selina bristled. "Watch your language!" She called.

Dick just sighed.

 _ **Also in my Universe, Bruce and Selina eventually get married. Batkids call her mom. ;D**_

 _Ages continue._

Dick was bouncing Helena while helping Tim with homework, consoling Stephanie about a breakup, supervising play between Dami and Cass, and making Jason- who was super sick- a snack. He didn't know how Selina did it. Especially because she had to deal with him as well.

"So... The period is supposed to go after the 'hate'? Not the 'listen'?"

"Exactly. So your sentence would he more like: 'That is such a strong word, hate. Listen to me- because I will tell you why.'"

"Oooooh!"

"Dami! No knives, and Cass no switchblades! Stick to puzzles or something!"

"And we were perfect for each other! He had blonde hair, I have blonde hair, he had blue eyes, I have blue eyes..."

"I know, Steph. But this is Gotham we're living in. You had to leave to turn into Batgirl."

"BUT IT'S ALL MY FAAAAAYUULTT!"

"Dick! You're burning my grilled cheese!"

"Wait- there's supposed to be a dash between 'me' and 'because,' right?"

"Grayson! Cain has used the switchblade!"

"...!"

"And the last thing he said to me was: 'Steph, if you were Batgirl you would understaaaaand!"

Helena was bawling.

Dick didn't know what to do. Oh goodness he was _aaalloooone_. He had no maternal instinct! He was a guy! Where was Babs when- ok, Babs didn't have much of one yet either... GAH! What was he supposed to do?!

"Dick! This paper's due tomorrow!"

"MY CHEESE!"

"She stabbed me!"

"...!"

"WHHHYYYYY!? DICK I NEED YOU! I NEED A GRAYSON-HUG!"

Helena was screaming now.

Dick did the only thing he could think of. In a blink of an eye, he'd set Lenna down, and flew through the room. All his siblings were now knocked out in the safest way possible. Except Lenna, who he quickly quieted with a bottle. He flipped Jason's grilled cheese, bandaged Dami's arm and took away all sharp objects, made Stephanie some hot cocoa and raspberry Gelato, and taking Jason and bundling him on the couch.

He sighed, sitting down and looking into Lenna's big, violet eyes. She smiled and giggled, sending milk onto her bib. Dick smiled, tickling her chin just as Babs walked in.

"Wow. You're a good babysitter." she remarked. "They're all asleep."

"Actually... I knocked them out..."

The red-head froze. "DICK!"

"Don't tell Selina!"

Barbara glared at him shrewdly before sitting next to him and cooing at Lenna over his shoulder. "So today Chad and I went to a movie."

"Yeah-huh. Which one?"

"That new one. With Aliens and stuff."

Dick smirked at her, their faces inches apart as she leaned over him to Lenna. "There are a lot of Alien movies, Babs."

"Whatever. And after he walked me home and we kissed."

"Aaaw! Go you! Is he a good kisser?"

Babs spat out her tongue. "Not the best." her breath brushed his face.

"PEOPLEZ GET A ROOM!" Jason had apparently woken up. "You guys act like a married couple! You've even got a baby!"

Lenna giggled.

Dick and Babs stared at each other. "We're not together!" they protested in unison.

"Plus, I'm steady with Chad, Jay. I'm not cheater."

"Riiiiight..."

"Go back to sleep, or I will knock you out again." Dick threatened.

"Geez, ok bruh, fine..."

 **Author's Notes:** uh... nothing?

 **Please review! Thank you!**

 _ **~Universe**_


	9. Chapter 9

**ION (I Own Nothing)**

 **Ages:**

 **Dick: 17**

 **Jason: 15**

 **Stephanie: 14**

 **Tim: 13**

 **Cass: 11**

 **Damian: 9**

* * *

Stephanie was enjoying a pleasant... well, pleaseant-ish- sleep when a strangled and terrified scream broke her earbuds in two.

She sat up bolt-right on her cot, sweat running down her skin thanks to the humidity of the Amazon air. See, she was currently on a mission in the jungle with some of her family members, and sleeping in a cot tied high was the best idea she had come up with to protect her. She had probably watched to many "Dangerous Animals" documentaries.

The scream she heard was one of the most terrified she had ever heard, the pure horror and gut-wrenching hopelessness breaking her heart and filling her with dread. Steph had rarely heard screams with such pure devastation, and that was saying something. She had been around a lot of scared people in her job.

Her hero instincts turning on, all thoughts left her mind as she lifted her hood, pushing through the tent door with Cass at her heels. They had slept in costume and mask, after all, always be prepared, but had sleep-masks and stuff, which were easily changed in their rush.

Their mission group consisted of herself aka Spoiler, Cass aka Black Bat, Dick aka Nightwing, and Luke Fox aka Batwing- as Bruce was trying to control the loner "bats" and thought sticking the man on a mission with three of his kids would serve as bonding or something. Stephanie snorted. Next thing he was going to do was offer her hand in marriage to form alliances with We Are Robin. Oh yeah, also with Damian aka Robin as backup.

She grabbed Cass' wrist as she ran to the pinpoint of the voice, hearing a clinking as the Batwing armor activated. Her fear thickened when she didn't notice Dick, who despite easily being able to evade her notice would still let her know he was there, so she wouldn't have to worry about her brother's safety.

By the time they turned the corner, the horrified screaming had increased to such an intensity that she felt she would never recover from the sound of such pure and untainted terror being raged through a human's throat.

Her stomach dropped as she made out the figure of... _Nightwing._ "WING!" she screamed.

He was curled in a ball, his screaming terribly loud. "HEEEELP MEEEEE!"

The three stopped in front of him, glancing around frantically to fight off his foe and save their teammate/brother. Finding nothing, they raised their eyebrows at the normally fearless teen.

"HEEEELPP MEEE!" His terrified eyes somehow shone through his mask lenses.

"Uh... Nightwing?" Batwing asked.

Night jumped up. "OH GOODNESS IT'S BEHIND YOU! STEPHY PLEEEEESE! CASS COME ON WE NEED TO GET TO SAFETY!" Dick suddenly, reached out, grabbing Cass by the waist and grappled away, apparently expecting Stephanie and Luke to follow.

The two ignore him, turning to where Dick had pointed only to jump back in surprise.

"OH GOSH THAT'S A BIG SPIDER." Luke exclaimed.

"Well kill it, you dolt!" Steph yelled.

"B-but-"

"You have freakin' canons! Kill it!"

Luke flinched away from the tarantula, which was about the size of his hand, lifting his arm at lightning speed and leaving a smoking crater where the spider had been. Stephanie sighed in relief, gripping some of her blonde hair.

"OH IT'S STILL ALIVE!" Luke screamed. Stephanie yelped, jumping back and retrieving all of her exploding batarangs, throwing them blindly. She saw the monster twitching, but since she was out of explosive 'rangs (and had ingeniously started a forest-fire) she began to deploy her freez-a-bat-a-rangs, stopping the fire in it's tracks and icing the spider.

Just to make sure, she took out a heat-stick and tapped the ice, sending it blasting and crumbling into a million pieces. She sighed in relief, wiping the sweat off her forehead.

She straightened, raising her hand to her comm. "Hey, Robby-poo, I need stats on Night's whereabouts and vitals- which should be shooting and spiking right now. Also, I need a weapon's restock."

 _"What happened? Is G- Nightwing alright?"_

"Don't worry, we took care of it." Steph nodded satisfactorily.

 _"_ Mission report _, Spoiler. And Nightwing appears to be having a panic-attack. Follow the coordinates I sent you to him, and then meet me for restock. But you must tell me what transpired as the direct orders from Fa- Batman was to keep radio silence."_

"Yeah, yeah." Stephanie flapped her hand.

* * *

 **Author Notes:** And done! Actually, this wasn't to hard. Spiders are my kryptonite. *shudders*

 **Please Review! Thanks to all who have!**

 _ **~Universe**_


	10. Chapter 10

**ION**

* * *

"I think I'm sad."

"You _think_ you're sad? Like- how does that even work?" Tim questioned.

Stephanie sighed. "I feel all droopy and soppy inside. And I'm eating gelato."

Tim considered a moment. "Well, okay. You're sad or possibly depressed. Why?"

"I don't know..."

"Then how could you be sad?" he challenged, putting his pencil on the table to lean back with folded arms.

"I DON'T KNOW, TIM! I'M A TEENAGE GIRL!" she sobbed, hiding her face in the crook of her arm on the table.

"Oh gosh, Steph are you..."

"I'm fourteen, idiot! Of course I am!"

Tim blinked. He had no idea what to do with girls. None at all, even if she was his sister. He jumped to his feet. "Siri, what do you do when your sister is... in her... period..." he coughed uncomfortably.

 _"Okay, Tim-Amazingness, this is what I found on the web:"_

Tim scrolled through, frantically trying to figure what to do. Finally, he just settled with awkwardly patting her on the back. "Er, you're fine."

"Tiiiiiiimmmy I'm sooooo sad. And I don't want to be! What do I do?!"

"Uuuuuuuuuuh... go watch, um, Frozen-"

"I DON'T _LIKE_ FROZEN!"

"Uuuuuh... then, uh, how about The Avengers?"

"Mmmkay..." she still looked at him with pouty blue eyes.

"A-and, um, I'll make Peach Cobbler."

"You know how to make Peach Cobbler?" her accusing eyes turned surprised.

"Er... I can always try?"

"...Okay." She sniffed, walking out of the room with her gelato. Tim sighed in relief, slumping against the counter. He just felt so awkward, even if she was his sister.

* * *

"It's a watermelon!"

"I know, Dick." Bruce nodded.

"Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce! It's a _watermelon!_ "

"That's very nice, Dick."

"Someone left it on the doorstep!"

"Okay."

"I'm going to eat it!"

"Alright. Ask Alfred."

Dick pouted, lowering the melon. "THE WATER RUNS RED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE FORGOTTEN."

"Of course, you do that."

Dick's pout hardened as he set his precious watermelon down on his father's desk. "Ra's al Ghul left it."

"Yes, he's a very nice man." Bruce licked his thumb, turning a page in the file he was looking over.

"And Talia."

"Ask Alfred."

Dick turned to leave. "You know what, from here on out, Superman's my favorite superhero."

"WHAT?!" Bruce was suddenly kneeling in front of him, hand holding his wrist. Dick smirked.

* * *

"One..." Bruce glared at Jason, counting.

Jason kept climbing.

"Two..."

He didn't even pause.

"Two-and-a-half..."

Didn't twitch.

"Two and three fourths..."

Kept climbing.

"Two and seven eighths..."

Jason just continued. They were in the Watchtower, and Jay seemed to like the idea of climbing the rock wall without gear. He was good enough, but Bruce wouldn't permit his child's safety infringed... despite the fact he fought super-villains every other night.

"Two and..."

"Just face it! You can't say three!" Flash called, passing by. He yelped as a batarang snagged him to the wall.

* * *

Bruce peered down at fifteen-year old Dick.

"Did you brush your teeth, make your bed and check your homework?"

"Yes, Bruce."

"Here's your lunch."

"Thanks!"

Next was Jason. "Did you brush your teeth, salvage what's left of your homework, and not destroy Tim's?"

"Gee, Bruce. It's like I'm the problem child."

"You are. Here's your lunch."

"Well I feel loved." Jason grumbled, only to be hugged by Dick as they headed out.

Bruce focused on Stephanie. "Did you brush your hair, get your homework, and wash your face?"

"Uh-huh." she muttered distractedly, tapping away on her phone.

"No phones at school. Here's your lunch." he snatched away the gadget. Stephanie sent him a glare, grabbing her lunch and storming out. Next was Tim. "Did you leave your gadgets, limit your caffeine intake, and not do Jason's homework?"

"Yes." Tim nodded.

"Eh-hem." Bruce raised an eyebrow.

Time sighed, pulling out a laptop, two ipads, and four phones. Why he even had so many was a mystery. Bruce nodded in satisfaction, handing the boy his lunch and messing with his hair. Tim grumbled, but still waved goodbye. Next was Cass.

"Cass... did you leave your daggers?"

She nodded.

"Good girl." He handed her her lunch. She gave him a hug, running after her siblings. "Damian..." he sighed. He didn't even want to get started.

"You know what, just take your lunch."

Damian sniffed. "I know, I'm perfect."

* * *

 **A/N:** I be on a roll lately! Ok, possibly? I dunno, I feel sad. I dunno why. *Glares* NO- not like Steph. I'm just in need of hot-dogs... and cheetos... anyway! Eh-hem! There we go! Sorry it took so long! :D

 ** _~Universe_**


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